the weight of “I have to” in the relationship

Hearing my partner express some hurt or a need, I have a voice inside that amplifies that message and turns it into a command—you have to help her, you have to end her pain, you have to make this better. Marshall Rosenberg talked about the difference between hearing how our actions are being experienced by someone and hearing an inner demand that we have to do something. The first connects us to them; the second is a sense of should that painfully turns us inward and leaves the other person alone in their experience. When my partner is telling me her hurt, the message I hear inside of “you have to do whatever is needed” could seem like it’s coming from someone attuned to her. But one sign that there is something else going on for me is the tone—the “you have to” is severe and without curiosity no matter what my partner’s tone is. This message comes from a being in distress. Someone in me finds my partner’s pain unbearable. Not just difficult to witness or a source of grief, but too much to withstand. And trying to keep me from that experience, this one demands that I solve that pain. And the way it does so, by telling me that I’m failing at what I have to do, makes another part of me feel anxious or ashamed or both. In those moments, I wind up turned inward and away from my partner, disconnected from what she’s bringing, including her hurt. 

What I want at times like that is to offer some inner empathy for anyone inside me who finds my partner’s pain unbearable. I want to acknowledge the anguish of that experience. In response, I’ll sometimes hear from this being more about what’s happening for my partner, that I have to do something immediately to fulfill whatever she’s needing. I try then to just keep connecting with what that means for this part of me, asking how it would be if that’s true, what it says about me if my partner is in pain and I’m not solving it. I usually will get back that intense anxiety and shame. And so I offer some compassion for that misery. I invite the possibility inside of laying down the conviction that if I don’t end her hurt then I’ve failed. And I acknowledge that this inner dynamic, brought on when my partner tells me her hurt, isn’t easy for me and isn’t easy for her.