not needing our children to feel better

For several years when my daughters were young I had voices in my head telling me what I should be doing as a parent, what my kids should be doing, and that they were not going to be okay if I did this wrong. Some of the voices judged me continually, some were hypervigilant, some wanted to shape my daughters’ lives precisely. Every one of these voices was urgent and afraid. Over time, I found a way to hear them differently. I realized that these were inner beings with their own desires and hopes, and they wanted to be heard and to get empathy.

The being that took me the longest to recognize was one who couldn’t bear my daughters’ unhappiness. For a long time, I responded to their sadness or fear or shame by trying to fix it. I tried to make them feel better however I could. I would feel trapped, and looked for a way out by distracting them or by explaining why their sadness or fear was unwarranted. I was living what Marshall Rosenberg described: “The more we think it’s our job to make a person feel better, the more we’re going to make it worse. Because you can’t fix people.”  

To change this dynamic, I had to let go of trying to get my children to not be in pain. This took me a long time. I first needed to really believe that what I was doing wasn’t helping. I had to get that distractions and explanations weren’t what they actually wanted when they came to me with their sorrow. It was years before I took this in. But once I did, I felt a deep relief. When one of my daughters was hurting, I could be with her and not have the unbearable tension of needing it to end. Where before I thought I was connecting with them by trying to make them feel better, I was actually closing myself off to what they were experiencing. When I let go of that task, I was more available to be open to them, to actually want to connect with them in their fear or pain. Rosenberg said, “There’s a precious connection when you’re present. And that precious connection is what does the healing. Not your advice, not your whatever… Empathic connection with another is the end in itself…That’s what leads to healing.” 

At times I still get caught in trying to fix my children’s pain; sometimes I just find their hurt too unfair. When that happens, I can see now that there is a being in me who is in too much pain to be able to give empathy elsewhere. So I go inward, toward that being—and I welcome them. I listen for what they’re experiencing, for the positive desire beneath their words of advice or demand or criticism. When one of my children is hurting these days, I’m wanting to be with her while allowing her the pain that she’s feeling. I no longer feel the need to urgently take it away. When one of my daughters is hurting inside, there are two questions I ask myself: Can I be with her where she is?  And is there anyone in me who is needing some empathy?